Saturday, February 21, 2009

Prediction for the Top Chef Finale

Nostradamus predicted the Kennedy assassinations. Daniel predicted the birth of Jesus. Ali predicted victory in Manila.

And now, I will predict the winner of next week’s Top Chef. In honor of Ali, I will do so in rhyme: When all the other chefs are gone/You’ll be left with a cocky European named Stefan.

The wind whispered this piece of information in my ear, I looked out the window at work yesterday and the clouds spelled Stefan’s name, and last night I had a dream where Stefan was a powerful cyborg sent from the future to protect John Connor.

Still not convinced? I also have a theory that there is a pattern that can be used to predict which chefs will carry the fillet. Every other week, the outcome of the show is a big surprise. The producers don’t want one of the best chefs to fall every single week because then the show would become too predictable. They only shock us with an underdog every other week. That’s how they try to keep us guessing.

The evidence:

- January 21 – After weeks of making the same Indian dishes, Radhika was finally told to pack her khandas.
- February 4 – Surprise! Everyone thought that Leah or Carla would be axed, but the judges gave Jamie a shot heard round the foodie world when they kicked her off for a braised celery that was “toxic.” Carla celebrated by saying “Hootie-hoo!” even more than usual.
- February 11 – I resented Leah because she was annoying; Wylie Dufresne resented her for eggs benedict that were undercooked. No surprise here. Even with a broken finger, Fabio still beat her.
- February 18 – Surprise! Everything suggested that the judges would be crazy to kick off Fabio: he had an Italian accent that made his comments about monkey asses sound charming, and his poor mama was sick in the hospital and sure to die without Top Chef prize money. Plus, he was the one who most needed to win the elimination challenge prize of a new car to replace his current “piece of … poo.” And yet, it was surprise week. Arrivederci, Fabio, I’ll remember you most for calling Leah a Top Pussy.

Which means that the final episode will occur during an “Of course!” week. Stefan is clearly the favorite; he’s already won eight challenges, including an unprecedented five quickfires in a row. Fans of the show are expecting another surprise after last week, but as much as I’d like for Carla’s tortoise to sneak up on Stefan, the judges are going to try to surprise us by not surprising us. Stefan wins.

Skeptical about my ability to experience odd flashes of prophetic insight? Not buying my theories? I guess we’ll just have to see what happens next week. As Ali said, they all fall/in the round I call.

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